There's no social script for how to deal with the loss of an important friendship
Marni Appleton's Heartbreak Seven
Today’s Heartbreak Seven guest is Marni Appleton, writer of the amazing short story collection I Hope You’re Happy which is OUT NOW.
Pitched as ‘more a warning than a wish’ and ‘haunted and haunting’, these are not cosy, comforting bedtime stories. They are immaculate fragments of twenty-first century intimacy and emptiness, yearning and questioning.
Here’s a line I underlined. There are lots more.
Harri kissed him. He smelled of lime and cold air. Oh, she thought. So this is something I want.
Marni’s Heartbreak Seven is just as worthy of an underline. Here, she meditates specifically on the heartbreak of the end of a friendship, rather than a romantic relationship. Its specific pain, separate as it sits from our cultural touchstones - and specific suggestions for healing it, from that glorious quartet of novels to one of my own favourite episodes of Girls. And I’m always here for the specific pleasure of sitting in a bar alone.
Thank you, Marni, for sharing your Heartbreak Seven!-
For my Heartbreak Seven, I wanted to focus on a devastating heartbreak I experienced in recent years – a friend break up. Heartbreak is traditionally associated with the end of romantic relationships; the loss of an important friendship is not spoken about anywhere near as often. There's no social script for how to deal with it, and therefore it can be an incredibly lonely experience. As a society, we don't understand and appreciate the pain of friend break ups in the same way as we do romantic break ups. And yet, the end of a friendship can be just as, if not more, gut-wrenching an experience. It is a very specific form of rejection – for me, it meant the loss of a friend I spoke to every day, who I'd known since childhood and who I thought of as family. It shook my whole sense of self, which is something I had never felt from a romantic rejection. Who was I without her? And if she didn't like me, did that mean I was fundamentally unlikeable? Who would I voice note about the minutiae of my day? It was painful, but I survived – thanks, in large part, to some of my recommendations below...
1. Something to read
Elena Ferrante’s Neapolitan Quartet. Whatever you’re feeling about your brilliant/ bad friend, Lenù and Lila have been there - and then some. A truly engrossing series of novels, and with plenty of pages, they’ll provide a substantial amount of heartbreak distraction!
2. Something to listen to
'No Hard Feelings' by Wolf Alice. This song reminds me that after the storm and the chaos of heartbreak, acceptance will creep in day by day. That doesn't mean it won't hurt anymore, just that you'll learn to live with the pain and it won't always be the undercurrent to every moment.
However, if you're not at that stage just yet, try 'Becky' by Be Your Own Pet. An angry, hilarious song about the turbulence of girl friendships.
3. Something to watch
I was discussing films recently with a friend and she declared: you love singing Ryan Gosling. She might be right. My two go-to movies when I’m feeling blue are 'La La Land' and 'Barbie'. Ryan's beautiful voice aside, both films boast bright, beautiful colouring, a healthy dose of sunshine, banging music and genius performances, which will lift your spirits. They both also have a little emotional moment at the end so you can have a good cry.
My bonus something to watch for a friend breakup, especially if you're still at the angry stage, is the Girls episode ‘Beach House’. Shoshanna finally stepping up to tell the other girls just how awful they are is incredibly cathartic.
4. Something to eat
My favourite comfort food is macaroni cheese. I use the recipe from Dolly Alderton’s Everything I Know About Love for hangover mac and cheese, but I also throw in a little bit of smoked cheddar. Perfection.
If you’re feeling a bit fancier, I adore Nigella’s chicken in a pot with lemon and orzo. A nourishing, delicious one pot meal — and you can top it with cheese too. Okay, maybe my number one food recommendation is cheese.
5. Something to drink
An aperol spritz, ideally on your own. Drinking an aperol in a bar alone is strangely empowering, and it will remind you that better times are coming. (But make sure the bartender doesn’t skimp on the ice or use flat Prosecco.)
6. Somewhere to go
Take a brisk walk outside, then slip into the comforting darkness of the cinema. The great thing about the cinema is that once you’re inside, it requires very little effort (you just sit there and enjoy) and there are no distractions. Any movie works, but my top choice for heartbreak would be something high budget with a decent amount of action – whatever gets you out of your head.
7. A bonus seventh - balm for a broken heart
Book a trip – whether you’re treating yourself to a day at an art gallery, visiting pals in a different city, or spending a month backpacking in Thailand. Having your diary full of things to look forward to makes heartbreak that little bit more bearable.
Photos provided by Marni Appleton.